


Peter Lukas Meets Minecraft Steve

by hitchhikersguidetothealexy



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Minecraft, Parody, Satire, Screenplay/Script Format, tangential lonelyeyes, transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:41:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27290626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hitchhikersguidetothealexy/pseuds/hitchhikersguidetothealexy
Summary: okay so im about to do nanowrimo and im trying to get out all of my ideas that involve OTHER peoples characters so i can focus on writing my own.anyway i was really inspired by a) "no peter you cannot play minecraft on my computer" and b) the fact that peter is dumb as shit and can't use technology so i thought this would be funny for some reason.if it sounds little like stellar firma it's because i listen to stellar firma every day when i do the dishes and it's rotting my brain
Relationships: Martin Blackwood & Peter Lukas
Comments: 13
Kudos: 34





	Peter Lukas Meets Minecraft Steve

[CLICK]

[sound of door opening and closing]

PETER  
Oh Martin! Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!

MARTIN  
Of course I’m here. You told me it was an emergency.

PETER  
Oh it is, Martin! It is! 

MARTIN  
What happened to Jon?

PETER  
What? Nothing.

MARTIN  
On the phone you said he might die.

PETER  
He might. We all might. That was an unrelated statement. I was just saying that was a possibility.

MARTIN  
So this...doesn’t involve him at all?

PETER  
No. Different emergency.

MARTIN  
Okay I’m leaving. 

PETER  
No don’t go! 

MARTIN  
You have to stop lying to me to get me to come to work at 3AM.

PETER  
I didn’t lie! I just implied things that weren’t true! I never outright lie, really, I just avoid the truth. Even if things would be a lot easier if I just told the truth because then people would trust me instead of regarding me with a vague distrust as stand in the fog eyeing them menacingly.

MARTIN  
I’m leaving.

PETER  
Are you really saying you would show up at 3AM for Jon and not me?

MARTIN  
Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying.

PETER  
I’m hurt.

MARTIN  
Good. Because last time you told me there was an “emergency” I rushed here in the middle of the night thinking that the end of the world had started, and you told me that you needed help ordering DoorDash.

PETER  
I did need help ordering DoorDash! 

MARTIN  
You ordered three gallons of ice cream and made me sit there while you cried about your divorce. That’s not an emergency.

PETER  
It was an emotional emergency. I don’t know why you’re complaining. You got ice cream out of it.

MARTIN  
You made me pay.

PETER  
I don’t know how credit cards work. Look, I should be able to go to my best friend with an emotional emergency.

MARTIN  
We’re not best friends!

PETER  
Aren’t we though?

MARTIN  
No! 

PETER  
You’re my best friend.

MARTIN  
Well--

PETER  
And do you have any other friends?

MARTIN  
Well-- I mean--

PETER  
No. You don’t. Which is fine! Because you and me is all we need!

MARTIN  
No! That’s not true! I need people who are not you!

PETER  
I even wrote us a friendship song.

MARTIN  
Please don’t sing a song.

[Peter begins singing off-key]

PETER  
Peter and Martin are two best friends  
We’ll stick together until the end--

MARTIN  
Stop singing that.

PETER  
Peter and Martin are the best in the nation  
Two kings of social isolation--

MARTIN  
Don't call me that! I don't want to be a king of social isolation! 

PETER  
Peter and Martin are two cool guys  
And Peter is honest and doesn't tell lies--

MARTIN  
If anything I'm a...a prince of social isolation. Or a court jester.

PETER  
Peter and Martin will beat the odds  
Unless they're defeated by an eldritch god!

MARTIN  
Is that the end of the song?

PETER  
Yeah.

MARTIN  
That's a downer ending.

PETER  
I'm just saying.

MARTIN  
Okay so what do you want?

PETER  
Right. To business: Do you know what Minecraft is?

MARTIN  
Like...the video game?

PETER  
No. No, it’s not a game. It’s so much more than that. It’s a whole world. A big empty world where it’s just me and the grass and the sky and occasionally some chickens.

MARTIN  
Yeah that’s a video called Minecraft.

PETER  
Are you...familiar with this Minecraft?

MARTIN  
A bit, yeah. 

PETER  
I need it. Show me how to go back to the Minecraft.

MARTIN  
I’m confused. Where did you first play it?

PETER  
I didn’t play it. I lived it.

MARTIN  
Okay fine, where did you first experience Minecraft?

PETER  
Well, you know the way that computers are?

MARTIN  
Um, sort of?

PETER  
Well I don’t. So I was at Elias’ computer and just kind of clicking around--

MARTIN  
Why?

PETER  
Trying to commit identity theft, obviously.

MARTIN  
Why?

PETER  
It doesn’t matter. The point is I accidentally clicked on this...this portal to another world.

MARTIN  
Yeah that would be an application.

PETER  
Then Elias took his computer away and told me I was banned from the Minecraft domain and also that he would never love me again.

MARTIN  
Okay so-- wait what was that last part?

PETER  
It’s not important. Take me to the Minecraft on my computer please. 

MARTIN  
Okay fine. 

[the sound of typing]

MARTIN  
You have to buy it. 

PETER  
Like...like an entrance fee to the Minecraft domain?

MARTIN  
No? Like the way you have to buy any video game?

PETER  
Well then I’ll pay! Hundreds! Thousands! I’d lay down my fortune to experience that bliss once again!

MARTIN  
It’s twenty pounds. 

PETER  
BUY IT.

[Sounds of paper rustling]

MARTIN  
No, you can’t-- You can’t actually pay the computer! You can’t just shove money at the computer! We’ve been over this! 

PETER  
Then how do I pay the entrance fee?

MARTIN  
With a credit card!

PETER  
I don’t have one. 

MARTIN  
Okay, so do you want me to...do you want me to pay for it? Again?

PETER  
...Yes please.

MARTIN  
Okay fine. But you have to pay me back this time.

PETER  
I will! 

[sounds of paper rustling]

PETER  
I'll pay you anything! I’ll lay down my fortune for an opportunity to-- 

MARTIN  
Stop throwing money at me! 

PETER  
Sorry. I just got really excited about Minecraft. 

MARTIN  
It’s downloading.

PETER  
So what do we do now?

MARTIN  
Wait.

[awkward silence]

PETER  
So.

MARTIN  
So.

PETER  
How’s your mother?

MARTIN  
Dead.

PETER  
Oh. Right.

[even longer awkward silence]

[ping]

MARTIN  
It’s done downlo--

PETER  
TAKE ME TO THE REALM OF THE CRAFTED MINES. 

MARTIN  
Calm down, the app is already running! You can control it using these keys--

PETER  
I am the lord of bounteous emptiness! All that I survey is sweet sweet isolation--

MARTIN  
And if you want to go into third person mode you just press F5--

PETER  
Ah! Who’s that? Who is that man trespassing in my domain? Who is the cubic interloper?

MARTIN  
He’s not--

PETER  
Kill him! Kill him! 

MARTIN  
That’s Steve.

PETER  
Who’s Steve?

MARTIN  
You are.

PETER  
No I’m not.

MARTIN  
Yes you are.

PETER  
No I’m not. I’m Peter.

MARTIN  
I know.

PETER  
Peter Lukas.

MARTIN  
Yes, I am aware.

PETER  
Peter Lukas, Captain of the Tundra.

MARTIN  
I know who you are Peter.

PETER  
Then why do you keep calling me Steve? 

MARTIN  
Because you’re Steve in the game.

PETER  
Ah. You mean, the experience.

MARTIN  
Yes. In the experience, you play as Steve.

PETER  
Ah okay. Hello Steve.

[pause]

PETER  
Steve is ignoring me.

MARTIN  
He’s not--

PETER  
Just like my mother used to do.

MARTIN  
Steve isn’t real!

PETER  
He’s not?

MARTIN  
No. He’s just-- he’s your avatar.

PETER  
An avatar? 

MARTIN  
Yeah. 

PETER  
Like me and you!

MARTIN  
Yes! Wait. No. Not me. Just you.

PETER  
Well. Maybe you. Eventually.

MARTIN  
No. Not me. Ever. 

PETER  
But maybe.

MARTIN  
No.

PETER  
We’ll see.

MARTIN  
Just play your Minecraft. I’m leaving.

PETER  
Wait no! I want you to stay.

MARTIN  
To watch you play Minecraft?

PETER  
Yes. Look! I found diamond! 

MARTIN  
No! I’m not-- I have work tomorrow morning! And I work for you! And by the way, it kinda feels like I’m doing all the work around here. I’m doing research for you while you’re-- I don’t know, making friendship bracelets or whatever.

PETER  
Oh.

MARTIN  
What.

PETER  
So, just hypothetically, if I did make you a friendship bracelet...you wouldn’t want it?

MARTIN  
I-- Peter, did you make me a friendship bracelet?

PETER  
Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. 

MARTIN  
I’m sorry about my outburst, Peter. I just don't like getting called in to work at 3AM to help you play a video game.

PETER  
No it’s fine. I get it. 

MARTIN  
Do you want...do you want to use my server? So we can play Minecraft together?

PETER  
You mean you could be...you could be in my domain of emptiness too?

MARTIN  
Yeah. 

PETER  
...Yes please. 

MARTIN  
Okay, I'll just send you the IP address--

PETER  
The what?

MARTIN  
Never mind. I'll just do it for you.

[keyboard clacking]

PETER  
Ah! Cubic interloper! Kill him! Kill him!

MARTIN  
Peter! That’s me! 

PETER  
Oh. Yes. Right. 

[pause]

PETER  
I lied. I did make us friendship bracelets.

MARTIN  
Peter--

PETER  
Here’s yours.

[pause]

MARTIN  
Actually that’s really impressive.

PETER  
Thanks. I worked really hard on it.

MARTIN  
The beading is really intricate. 

PETER  
I spend a lot of time alone so I do a lot of crafting. I also knit. 

MARTIN  
...I like to knit.

PETER  
See? We’re great friends! 

MARTIN  
Fine. I’ll wear the bracelet. 

[Peter begins singing]

PETER  
Peter and Martin are friends for all time!  
Finding diamond and crafting mines! 

MARTIN  
PETER NO. 

[CLICK]

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! sorry if this was inaccurate i dont actually play minecraft
> 
> please follow me on twitter im trying to get more followers than gunpowder tim:  
> @alexyquest  
> (that's also my tiktok if u want some TMA memes)
> 
> if you like my writing i also write games:  
> https://alexyquest.itch.io/


End file.
